I asked for this

I told God, "I'm ready." Give me what is next. I can do it. I'm ready for the fire, to be tempered.

Oy.

Getting promoted was the beginning. Over my head. Learning to ask. Learning to connect with inner authority. Learning to be settled in the midst of others' emotional storms. Learning to put myself out there.

Buying a house to renovate. Learning to relax about decisions and timelines. Learning dollars go where they are put. Learning that home means a place to live not just exist.

Applying to a Ph. D. program.

My husband in the hospital. Listening is the most fundamental act of kindness.Trust but pay attention. Love is service. Surrender.

I forgot how hard it was. I forgot the confusion, the stress, the doubt that comes with being at the base of the mountain. All I remember is how teachers and help got me here. And though this peak is higher, the terrain more difficult, I have more tools and better equipment this time. Most importantly I know it can be done. I think.

And so I bow my head. I do not have the answers. Thankfully, I have teachers and am learning to ask for help. Mostly, I'm grateful for grace. For forgiveness. The soft pillow of it is the answer to the trust game. If you fall, it will be fine.

Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. 'Doing it' - taking action - is the name of this mountain. Trust and act. The very idea makes my breath catch. Apparently I'm not there yet. 

His and Hers: Breakfast

L: Hash browns, sausage & fried farm eggs
R: Cantelope, cucumber, flax seed

Radical Becoming

Blowing up beaver dams

Disempowerment leaves gaping holes. Ego restores balance by swooping in to fill the holes with beaver dam blockages, controlling the flow.

Blow up the dams, restore power and feel the energy flow.

We are meant to be Cities of Light, not the child with a finger in the levee. Electricians keeping our glow going, that's what we are. Perhaps I should like more about the giant inner power strip than the inner fountain of living water.

In fact, all this focus on water may have helped as much as the beaver dam, given how well water and electricity get along.

Speed bump

I may have been  driving too fast. Suddenly the road doesn't seem as smooth. It is curvy, dusty, pitted and I have to slow the heck down.

Except I don't want to. I want to be girl wonder catapulting my way to greatness. I knew this was coming, this stage of effort and mistakes and learning by doing. But I am slowed. I am less. I feel a disappointment.

One Powerful Breath

<p>&lt;p&gt;A few years ago I began going to church, mostly because I decided I should. There was no passion behind it, nor a sense of it as a path to being of service to my community. &lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;I chose the church where a man I knew from work was the pastor. He was a tremendous example of a living Christian, but not a fiery preacher. One day they held a joint service with another church and their pastor conducted the sermon. &lt;/p&gt;<br>
&lt;p&gt;I don't remember the&amp;#160; point, but his message opened my eyes to the holy spirit. Like so many paths to religion, it confirmed what I felt and therefore drew me in. </p>
<p>The internal voice, the one speaking not from my head or even my heart, but from deep inside my bones - it was the Holy Spirit! For years, from the time I learned to listen, I'd been hearing it resonate from every cell. The voice of my DNA was the Holy Spirit. </p>
<p>For me, this revelation has guided most, if not all, decisions I've made. To find out the Holy Spirit has it's own holiday! I got all excited. Next year I'm having a bug Pentecost party. Christmas, Easter, yeah, they're great, but I can't wait to start my own traditions in celebration of the Holy Spirit.

Becoming

Tabula rasa. It all starts now. What do I value? What do I enjoy? How do I wish to be remembered?
Kindness
Part of the solution
Inspirational
Appreciative
Reflective
Accepting
What are my commandments? Gretchen Rubin made up her own. What do I hear God wanting me to do?
1. Be part of the solution.
2. Do what needs to be done.
3. It's not about me.
4. Use your word for good.
5. Assumptions lead to trouble.
6. My best is good enough.
7. Act from, in, and with love - always.
8. Hear more than you speak.
9. Go slow.
10. Live from the inside out.
11. Let go and let God.