Full moon part 2

Today was a big day. Groundhog day and all. Our local prairie dog may or may not have seen her shadow this morning. It matters not. At the time she deigned to look it was around twenty below zero. Spring ain't comin' any time soon, that's fur shur!

BRR!

It was also a big day because I found myself sitting on a counselor's couch. (Which is WAY comfy. If he wants to get people out of his office on time, he'd better switch.)

The event had been planned for ages as a way for my honey and I to get some perspective on our relationship and some new tools for improved growth. Calling in a specialist to help us clear our garden of rocks, etc.

Well, my man couldn't come. He hadn't slept in nearly 30 hours by the time of the appointment, what with helping baby calves be born and live through the nasty shock of leaving a cozy one-hundred degree nest for negative 30 degree exposure. Poor babies. {I have officially been in Wyoming too long. Or I've officially become a Wyomingite. What's with the "what, with helping"? What happened to my grammar??}

So anyway, I went on my own, which turned out really really well. It was supposed to be a consultation to see if the two men could get along (I already knew the counselor). Consultations are normally 15 minutes. My comfy ass didn't shut up for nearly 90. Whoops!

It was a really great conversation and he highlighted for me some of the things I am doing to sabotage my relationship and also my own well-being. Top of the list is feeling the need to carry the responsibility for other people. {That train's leaving the station, so get yur bags and get OFF, other people's crap.}

He also referred frequently to a psychologist named Schnarch, which I have to admit kind of sounded like a dirty word to me at first. But Schnarch's theories are pretty right-on. Basically he says we are defined by our relationships. How we react to them is the primary driver of our own personal growth.

I was also fascinated to hear about the idea that all the self-help talking and reading in the world doesn't do anything. I was surprised at first, but once it sank in it made a lot of sense. Only experiences can really "retrain" our brains. Talk never leaves the cerebral part of the brain where we toss around ideas and think about things. Experience, by contrast, maps how we react to situations and controls what choices we make. Apparently this has all come out of studies of post-traumatic stress disorder. Fascinating.

"Talking will not fix it," says mr. smart man with nice couch.

"Huh," says intelligent, articulate woman sitting on it. "Hmmm. How 'bout that."

He left me with a parting gift: a small business card he clearly keeps handy because there are lots of people like me who are more fragmented than differentiated. Look at me with all the lingo.

So here's the nuggets of wisdom in case you don't get a chance to sit on the comfy couch.

Four characteristics of the differentiated self:

1. A clear sense of self in the presence of the other
2. The ability to regulate one's own anxiety.
3. The ability to remain no-reactive to partner's anxiety.
4. The willingness to tolerate pain for growth.

There ya go! Now go differentiate yur bad selves!

- keepin it real, here in Wyomin'.