I am excited to see the bruises emerge. Just like I am excited to see the veins pop and the bones protrude.
These things remind me that I am. That this being is a body.
Nine or ten years ago, during one of my stays at Bev's, she told me I needed to be human, to embrace the human experience. This infuriated me. Absolutely sent me over the edge into a full-on temper tantrum.
I did not have to be human. I was above that. I could rise above the base emotions, I had no need to experience anger, passion or to become so excited I risked being hurt. I understood it, I could explain it. I did not need to feel it.
And now, lo these many years later I am feeling it. And enjoying it. Finally I understand that being human isn't about descending into a mired pit but opening to the expanse. I am nearly to the place where I can imagine running just for fun. To feel the wind, the rush, to push your heart into being so very alive.
Which begs the question, if I am now alive, what was I then? No secret, really. A sketch. A draft. After 30 years I have begun to press firmly on the lines. Some small ones may actually be inked in. And now I see the artist reaching for the ink. To color me into something bright, something to draw your attention. Someone to tell a story.
It is as though I have protected myself like coated paper. Instead of accepting who I am and embracing it I've maintained the veneer of a dry erase board, never committing to anything.
Yesterday I took my first English riding lesson in Wyoming. The saddle, the horse, the trainer, the barn - it was all perfect. I have the rush of inspiration fluttering my focus away.
The next step is to swallow, square my shoulders and 'gird my loins' as they say. Fear keeps the butterflies from landing. Without it, inspiration would lead to action and I would have done something already.
Maybe all I can ask is baby steps. For the fluttering to last for a shorter time. To prevent those instances when they were never allowed to land and simply flew away.
Inspiration. Creativity. Discipline. Courage. Action. A recipe for being human. Anyone know where I can buy some of the ingredients?
Know thyself! A maxim as pernicious as it is ugly. Whoever observes himself arrests his own development. A caterpillar who wanted to know itself well would never become a butterfly. ~Andre Gide
These things remind me that I am. That this being is a body.
Nine or ten years ago, during one of my stays at Bev's, she told me I needed to be human, to embrace the human experience. This infuriated me. Absolutely sent me over the edge into a full-on temper tantrum.
I did not have to be human. I was above that. I could rise above the base emotions, I had no need to experience anger, passion or to become so excited I risked being hurt. I understood it, I could explain it. I did not need to feel it.
And now, lo these many years later I am feeling it. And enjoying it. Finally I understand that being human isn't about descending into a mired pit but opening to the expanse. I am nearly to the place where I can imagine running just for fun. To feel the wind, the rush, to push your heart into being so very alive.
Which begs the question, if I am now alive, what was I then? No secret, really. A sketch. A draft. After 30 years I have begun to press firmly on the lines. Some small ones may actually be inked in. And now I see the artist reaching for the ink. To color me into something bright, something to draw your attention. Someone to tell a story.
It is as though I have protected myself like coated paper. Instead of accepting who I am and embracing it I've maintained the veneer of a dry erase board, never committing to anything.
Yesterday I took my first English riding lesson in Wyoming. The saddle, the horse, the trainer, the barn - it was all perfect. I have the rush of inspiration fluttering my focus away.
The next step is to swallow, square my shoulders and 'gird my loins' as they say. Fear keeps the butterflies from landing. Without it, inspiration would lead to action and I would have done something already.
Maybe all I can ask is baby steps. For the fluttering to last for a shorter time. To prevent those instances when they were never allowed to land and simply flew away.
Inspiration. Creativity. Discipline. Courage. Action. A recipe for being human. Anyone know where I can buy some of the ingredients?
Know thyself! A maxim as pernicious as it is ugly. Whoever observes himself arrests his own development. A caterpillar who wanted to know itself well would never become a butterfly. ~Andre Gide
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