On becoming lithe. With a little lathe here and there.

First, let me say I ate enough for a family of four for dinner last night. I was starving. When I get like this, watch out. Jack is a mere nibbler compared to my ravenous self. In my defense, or at least by way of explanation, I had eaten only an apple, a banana and some almonds during the day, which included an hour of high-impact aerobics (and eight hours of sitting at a desk, but still).

Anyway, in other news I feel great. Zumba is so much fun (I love that my mother discovered it before I did) and a friend has been taking me to the college fitness center twice a week, too. I have high hopes of starting riding lessons this weekend and I expect will fully kick my butt.

Again I wish someone had told me about exercise. About the mental flush. For Valentine's Day I got an espresso machine and have been indulging frequently. I learned my limit yesterday, however, when I arrived at work in a trash can and commenced to grouch for the next five hours. Until aerobics. Suddenly the world was livable again, the people in it compatriots instead of nuisances.

I am still so aware of crossing the threshold during exercise, the one I used to avoid so carefully. The one of true exertion, of fully inhabiting the body and manipulating it. The sense of power is palpable; I am consistently surprised at how much more balance this brings to my life. For 33 years my brain was in charge. I like putting it in the backseat - or even the trunk - once in a while.

Unfortunately, I have spent most of those 30 years completely understanding this and yet completely unable to do anything about it. I hate reading about the epiphanies people have about themselves and the empowering effects of getting healthy without a frank discussion about how they broke through the veil of paralysis.

For me, the paralysis was about fear. I have spent 10 years working on letting go of many generations worth of fear and becoming more empowered through energy balancing and other holistic medicine. [My teacher has a new website: http://healthyawakenings.com]

I almost wrote that it gave me my life back, but I'm not sure I ever had it in the first place. It cleared the way for me to have a life at all.

After 10 years of clearing that overgrown landscape it was finally possible to build some fences (aka boundaries) so I stop inviting everyone else's emotions over for long-term stays. Their emotions were keeping me pinned to the couch.

Again, I didn't do it on my own. My friend Annalaiya makes the most potent custom flower-essences blends I've ever known. My husband is as much a new man as a I am a new woman thanks to her and her blends.

These things set the stage for the naturopath to come in and clear some rocks from the ground and hoe some rows for successful growth. He worked on the chemistry and biology of my digestion and made it possible for me to have a whole new relationship with food.

The things I had been eating, the things I relied on for emotional sustenance (physical sustenance was never a question; I was in my thirties before I ever felt hunger) - these things were also keeping me pinned to the couch. Sugar, starches, more sugar. Sugar and fat. My best friends. They were actually gang members conspiring to do little more than make sure I stuck with them.

Removing some key things from my diet (sugar, gluten, dairy), adding a few supplements and including some alternative therapies carried me over the threshold to my new home. A place with a fireplace that burns in my lower chakra (though I have to remember to stoke it). It needs work - a lot of work - but at least there is a structure. I am so immensely grateful for all the people I've been led to along this journey and wish the same for everyone.

May we all accept the teachings offered us in a perfect manner according to the Divine plan. Amen.